Negativity has gotten the best of me. 

A question I frequently ask myself is “why am I always so angry?”

Well don’t get me wrong, I am not always angry. I just feel like such a negative person. I complain a lot, and I do very negative things that I would tell others not to, and to be the bigger person. 

For example,  I can be extremely hypocritical, I will yell at my boyfriend for saying something completely rude and do something similar in the next 30 minutes. To be even more honest with you, there are 100 other examples. I tell myself that it’s not fair, and I wish I wasn’t that way, I don’t like being that way. But I guess it’s important that I know it’s wrong. 

Other times, for some awful reason, I really like to start arguments. Believe me it is not my proudest ability. I don’t know whether it’s the attention or the feeling of “winning” but I like to argue. It usually starts out as me wanting to talk about a problem or my opinion, but ends up with me screaming or something else that is completely idiotic. 

I feel like this makes me sound like a completely awful person, I think it is important that I acknowledge things about myself. That I know how have an area to work on in my communication skills and that as I grow and learn things will become easier. 

Does anyone else feel disappointed in themselves for not necessarily being the person they tell others to be? 

Till next time. All the love, 

Faith  

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How Loss Affected Me

Last week, on the 2nd to be specific it was the 7 year anniversary of my grandpa’s passing. I honestly forgot. Which makes me feel like an awful granddaughter, but that is probably due to the fact it is something I don’t want to think about. Since last Friday I have thought about him a lot, and I feel like writing about it would help me. So please read this while thinking about someone you’ve lost. Remember how much they meant to you and your favorite things about them. But also think about what you gained, though you might not think about you gained something from your loss.

From what I remember he always, ALWAYS smelt of beer and cigars. And not the expensive ones, the thin flavored ones you would buy at the convenient store. He was full of farm stories, which I could sit and listen to for hours. The most memorable one was when he helped birth two twin caves, one of which who did not make it. (Wow such a midwestern story huh?) Maybe not the most amusing story for a child, but it was interesting enough.

I remember him being jolly, like Santa Clause, and giving the best hugs; they were my favorite. If he was still here I would tell him all about high school and tell him my own stories, maybe stretch the details to make them more interesting. We would probably sit and talk in that old white garage for hours. When it was time to go I would take one last hug, and go home smelling of cigar smoke.

I had lost a lot of people before him, but none of them had been this unexpected or this painful. Losing him was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I know that’s not much coming from an 18-year-old.  I cried for a few weeks, nothing about going to my grandparent’s house was normal for months, or maybe even a whole year after. He passed away in the living room, in his chair. I couldn’t be in the room alone, I couldn’t sit in the chair.  It hurt me to see my mom, my grandmother, my family like this, there was nothing I could do. There was nothing anyone could do. But losing him gave me strength. If I can get through that, I can get through anything. So Grandpa, thank for showing me what it is like to be so hard-working, jolly and caring. You are my favorite person and I wish you could see me now, I have a feeling you would be immensely proud.

As I said earlier we gain from our losses. By losing him I gained strength. If I can get through that, I can get through anything. I can get through a day at work, I can get through this final paper, I can get through this rough time. I can do it because everything has to be easier than losing someone you love so much.

To my Grandpa, thank for showing me what it is like to be so hard-working, jolly and caring. You are my favorite person and I wish you could see me now, I have a feeling you would be immensely proud. I love you always.