Negativity has gotten the best of me. 

A question I frequently ask myself is “why am I always so angry?”

Well don’t get me wrong, I am not always angry. I just feel like such a negative person. I complain a lot, and I do very negative things that I would tell others not to, and to be the bigger person. 

For example,  I can be extremely hypocritical, I will yell at my boyfriend for saying something completely rude and do something similar in the next 30 minutes. To be even more honest with you, there are 100 other examples. I tell myself that it’s not fair, and I wish I wasn’t that way, I don’t like being that way. But I guess it’s important that I know it’s wrong. 

Other times, for some awful reason, I really like to start arguments. Believe me it is not my proudest ability. I don’t know whether it’s the attention or the feeling of “winning” but I like to argue. It usually starts out as me wanting to talk about a problem or my opinion, but ends up with me screaming or something else that is completely idiotic. 

I feel like this makes me sound like a completely awful person, I think it is important that I acknowledge things about myself. That I know how have an area to work on in my communication skills and that as I grow and learn things will become easier. 

Does anyone else feel disappointed in themselves for not necessarily being the person they tell others to be? 

Till next time. All the love, 

Faith  

Busy, Busy, Busy

I’ve got some down time for once, so here are my thoughts. Thanks for reading! 

I’ve already been out of school for over a month, but summer literally just started (I mean the summer solstice).  It’s so crazy to me that time has flown by, and. I feel like I’ve wasted it. 

Which I mean that’s probably not true, I’ve done a few fun things. For the most part though I’ve been working my butt off. I work at a children’s clothing store, and I just got offered a manager position (which is crazy ’cause I only started in March). I’ve been training, learning and busting my butt. 

Unfortunately because it’s summer time and my job is in retail, I end up working weird hours. Some days I open, others I close, sometimes I work smack dab middle of the day. Because of that I feel like I see no one. My parents work 9 to 5 jobs, so it’s really tricky to see them. Then there’s my boyfriend and best friend who also have jobs, and also work weird hours. My boyfriend works WAY more then I do, so anytime he’s available I jump at the chance to see him.  My best friend has basically completely opposite hours of each other (or at least it seems that way. We are push on not seeing each other for a week and it feels much longer). 

It’s just so crazy that the world is passing by and well everything that is happening to me. I feel like I need to be making fun mermories instead of just “work” memories. 

Anyone have any ideas on what to do to add a little life into the rest of my summer? 

Your busy midwestern girl, 

Faith 

A Little Step Into College Life

Hey everyone!

I know it has been a while since I last posted but I couldn’t come up with anything good. Instead I am just gonna give a little update or look into my life.

Yesterday I got to go to my college and plan my schedule for next year, but before I got to do that I got to sit through about 4 hours of presentations that were just the same thing over and over again (it made the whole day drag on and I was so ready for it to be over).

My selected major is Nursing, which is something I am very passionate about. There is a downside though, my choice school has the 3rd best nursing school in the state which makes the process of getting into the Nursing school much harder. A lot of it is grades and taking certain courses (as it is for most degrees) but this is really a make it or break it thing because each semester the school only selects about 90 students (and trust me when I say there is a LOT of pre-nursing students in the Class of 2021 at my University).

Thankfully for me though I am very confident, and 100% believe that I can study hard enough and get fantastic grades to become a part of the Nursing school. What made it even better is that I am already ahead of schedule for pre-nursing students. This is because I already have 1 of my 6 science classes finished (which is super exciting!!!). And kinda unexpected, my advisor seemed really impressed and was very excited to see me ahead of the game.

Anyway getting to pick my schedule just made me think about how excited and passionate I am about getting this education and creating a new life for myself.

Til next time,

Faith

I’m the “Mom” friend 

There are the people who like to party, and drink and do crazy outrageous things that could possibly kill you. Those are my friends.  Then there are the people who are introverted, care a little too much, have to supervise and be the protector. That’s me.

I am the “Mom” friend. I always make sure there is enough food. I always make sure that no ones too drunk. If that happens to be the case I make sure someone can take them home safely. I make sure everyone’s having a good time, and that we aren’t disrupting neighbors. I alway make sure people don’t go to wild with putting gasoline on the fire or do something else that could possibly injure themselves in the process. I make it my job to protect everyone. I am always the responsible one.

Now I understand that what I’m about to say is just me complaining. I put the responsibility on myself, and I get that. But hear me out.

I am the party pooper. Well at least I feel that way, my friends always want to have a bonfire and drink while I would much rather just sit at home with two people and watch Netflix. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t mind having bonfires or hanging out with friends.  They always say, “it’s up to you” “I’m not making the decision” “well I don’t want to upset Faith”.

I know they don’t mean anything by saying those things, but it kinda hurts. They don’t want to upset me, which I’m grateful for, but do they honestly expect me to say no? I don’t want to ruin their whole night, I want them to have their fun and get home safe even if that means I am completely miserable 99% of the time.

I love my friends dearly and spending time with them is great, but I am sick of being the responsible one. I just want them to not be completely stupid without having to be supervised. I say that because we all go to different places in the fall, and I can’t just be there. (Yes, it is amazing but I do know that I can’t be there to watch them. )  I don’t want to worry about my friends being complete morons.

When I first had the idea to write this I wasn’t going to complain. I was just gonna talk about what it’s like to be the overbearing friend. Unfortunately, it took a very negative turn. I love caring for my friends and being there in any time of need but being the mom friend sucks. I love myself for who I am, but it would be cool if I didn’t have to be this way all the time.

I love caring for my friends and being there in any time of need. I think because of the person that I am, it makes it harder for me to have fun. I do love myself for who I am, and I do not blame my friends for that. I just wish that they wouldn’t give me so much to worry about.

Disclaimer: I understand that what I mention is illegal but please understand that we aren’t the types of kids to throw house parties or do something as outrageous in the movies. Remember at one point you were a teenager and you probably some pretty stupid and illegal things yourself.

 

How Loss Affected Me

Last week, on the 2nd to be specific it was the 7 year anniversary of my grandpa’s passing. I honestly forgot. Which makes me feel like an awful granddaughter, but that is probably due to the fact it is something I don’t want to think about. Since last Friday I have thought about him a lot, and I feel like writing about it would help me. So please read this while thinking about someone you’ve lost. Remember how much they meant to you and your favorite things about them. But also think about what you gained, though you might not think about you gained something from your loss.

From what I remember he always, ALWAYS smelt of beer and cigars. And not the expensive ones, the thin flavored ones you would buy at the convenient store. He was full of farm stories, which I could sit and listen to for hours. The most memorable one was when he helped birth two twin caves, one of which who did not make it. (Wow such a midwestern story huh?) Maybe not the most amusing story for a child, but it was interesting enough.

I remember him being jolly, like Santa Clause, and giving the best hugs; they were my favorite. If he was still here I would tell him all about high school and tell him my own stories, maybe stretch the details to make them more interesting. We would probably sit and talk in that old white garage for hours. When it was time to go I would take one last hug, and go home smelling of cigar smoke.

I had lost a lot of people before him, but none of them had been this unexpected or this painful. Losing him was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I know that’s not much coming from an 18-year-old.  I cried for a few weeks, nothing about going to my grandparent’s house was normal for months, or maybe even a whole year after. He passed away in the living room, in his chair. I couldn’t be in the room alone, I couldn’t sit in the chair.  It hurt me to see my mom, my grandmother, my family like this, there was nothing I could do. There was nothing anyone could do. But losing him gave me strength. If I can get through that, I can get through anything. So Grandpa, thank for showing me what it is like to be so hard-working, jolly and caring. You are my favorite person and I wish you could see me now, I have a feeling you would be immensely proud.

As I said earlier we gain from our losses. By losing him I gained strength. If I can get through that, I can get through anything. I can get through a day at work, I can get through this final paper, I can get through this rough time. I can do it because everything has to be easier than losing someone you love so much.

To my Grandpa, thank for showing me what it is like to be so hard-working, jolly and caring. You are my favorite person and I wish you could see me now, I have a feeling you would be immensely proud. I love you always.

 

 

“Friends” on Social Media

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Within the last month, I have found myself completely unfriending and unfollowing “friends” social media accounts.

By “friends” I mean people who go to my school, live in my town or even people I’ve seen walking down the street. They really aren’t friends but I find myself becoming interested in their life choices, or really what they choose to post on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.

Like I said I’ve started to unfollow people I don’t really care for. By doing this I feel like I am getting away from the negativity, uncontrollable nosiness, and leaving behind people I generally don’t have any interest in. I think it will make me happier, but if it really upsets you here is your answer:

To those who I have unfollowed,

Maybe it was because I don’t like you, but that is okay.  If it really bothers you, I am sorry. I hope one day you can get over it.

Maybe it was because I don’t like what you post. It could be about your opinions, it could be that what you post is always negative. If it makes me upset to see what you constantly post then why should I follow you?

Maybe it is because we aren’t friends. We may just be acquaintances, but that is okay by me. If I really want to get to know you I would take the time out of my day, and not just scroll through your feed of pictures.

There are probably better reasons out there, but I just want to go forward with people I love and with lots of happiness. So please excuse me if I no longer want to be your “Facebook friend”. You keep doing you and I will keep doing me.

 

What I Hope To Learn This Summer 

img_0544I just graduated high school, and before I head off on my own I want to learn somethings about myself and the world.  Here’s a list of what I hope to learn:

  1. How to love myself. 

Don’t get me wrong. I do love myself. I just want to be more appreciative myself and everything I offer.

2.  Live in the moment. 

I only have a few months before I leave my family, friends and my “normal” life of the last 18 years. I want to cherish everything I do with my best friend, my boyfriend, my brother and sisters because there’s the chance I am going to be missing a lot.

3. Become more open to different opinions. 

College is where you meet new people and that means a lot of new opinions. In the world we live in today, everyone has an opinion on everything. I have to remember that just because my opinion isn’t the same as some else’s does not mean that my opinion is wrong, or their’s is any less important. I must have an open mind and be willing to listen rather than answer or defend.

4. Be my own best friend. 

I am going to be leaving everyone I love. My best friend and I are going to different colleges.  My boyfriend is doing his own thing. My parents are letting me go. While I know that they will still be with me in spirit, and only a text message or a phone call away it is going to be different. (Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t me saying I’m not gonna make new friends, it will just be another new experience.) I want to be able to comfort myself and be my own best friend when it’s needed.

5. Learn to let go and be more forgiving. 

I am the worst at letting things go. I hold onto grudges for an incredibly long amount of time. I still don’t like people who have wronged me or my friends. I can forgive people, but even that takes a while, but letting go is a whole different thing to me. It’s gonna be a lot more difficult.  I want to be a better person, a more forgiving person. I already know this isn’t gonna be easy for me, but I am up for anything.

6. What makes me happy.

More or less I want to discover more things about myself. It’s as simple as that.

7. It’s okay to be alone. 

Alone time is great, but I prefer to “be alone, together” type of person. I think it is important for me to learn and appreciate being alone. Being by myself for whatever reason.

Overall I want to know who I am, and better my personal values. Become a better person, and be more welcoming.

Thanks for reading.