Looks

I am in a mood. I just feel like crying a lot, but never do. The way I feel is sad, not good enough, disfigured, negative. I hate myself for even writing about this, it is stupid. I am talking about looks. How I look, how I feel about my looks. I am not vain or fishing for compliments, I just need this off my chest.

I think everyone should be happy with themselves, and if you love yourself then no one else should be able to hurt you. It’s a lot harder to follow your own advice, and even harder when you the other person. I am constantly comparing myself to others, always. My friends, people on social media, people I see around town. Basically anyone and everyone. I have never consider this a serious problem nor have, I ever been diagnosed with a mental disease.  But I do not like myself, and that can’t be good.

I have an entire list of things that I would change about myself. and on the other side a “list” of things I like about myself. That “list” of things I like about myself is probably a measly one or two things. It would just be nice if I could just change everything else. I’m the ugly friend, the fat friend, the friend people pity. Fortunately those are self-given titles because I couldn’t actually tell you if my past or current friends would give me those titles. I’m glad I haven’t/didn’t ask because,

1. They wouldn’t be very good friends.

2. It might just hurt me too much to find out and I would rather just have my brain do the damage instead or someone else.

If I could have a magic lamp where a genie would pop out and grant me 3 wishes, I would ask for everything that I didn’t like to be changed. That might be superficial but it’s what I would do. I genuinely don’t have more than two things that I like about myself. Which honestly makes me so upset, because I want nothing more but to love myself for who I am. I can’t look at a mirror for too long and I don’t want to look at the scale, because I will always find something I don’t like.

I want to be a different person. I don’t want to be me.

I don’t feel any better, or any worse for sharing this even though I thought it would help. Please remember this isn’t a cry out for help, or someone fishing for compliments. My somber self has gotten the best of me.

Be back with a new post soon. Till next time,

Faith

 

 

 

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Negativity has gotten the best of me. 

A question I frequently ask myself is “why am I always so angry?”

Well don’t get me wrong, I am not always angry. I just feel like such a negative person. I complain a lot, and I do very negative things that I would tell others not to, and to be the bigger person. 

For example,  I can be extremely hypocritical, I will yell at my boyfriend for saying something completely rude and do something similar in the next 30 minutes. To be even more honest with you, there are 100 other examples. I tell myself that it’s not fair, and I wish I wasn’t that way, I don’t like being that way. But I guess it’s important that I know it’s wrong. 

Other times, for some awful reason, I really like to start arguments. Believe me it is not my proudest ability. I don’t know whether it’s the attention or the feeling of “winning” but I like to argue. It usually starts out as me wanting to talk about a problem or my opinion, but ends up with me screaming or something else that is completely idiotic. 

I feel like this makes me sound like a completely awful person, I think it is important that I acknowledge things about myself. That I know how have an area to work on in my communication skills and that as I grow and learn things will become easier. 

Does anyone else feel disappointed in themselves for not necessarily being the person they tell others to be? 

Till next time. All the love, 

Faith  

Busy, Busy, Busy

I’ve got some down time for once, so here are my thoughts. Thanks for reading! 

I’ve already been out of school for over a month, but summer literally just started (I mean the summer solstice).  It’s so crazy to me that time has flown by, and. I feel like I’ve wasted it. 

Which I mean that’s probably not true, I’ve done a few fun things. For the most part though I’ve been working my butt off. I work at a children’s clothing store, and I just got offered a manager position (which is crazy ’cause I only started in March). I’ve been training, learning and busting my butt. 

Unfortunately because it’s summer time and my job is in retail, I end up working weird hours. Some days I open, others I close, sometimes I work smack dab middle of the day. Because of that I feel like I see no one. My parents work 9 to 5 jobs, so it’s really tricky to see them. Then there’s my boyfriend and best friend who also have jobs, and also work weird hours. My boyfriend works WAY more then I do, so anytime he’s available I jump at the chance to see him.  My best friend has basically completely opposite hours of each other (or at least it seems that way. We are push on not seeing each other for a week and it feels much longer). 

It’s just so crazy that the world is passing by and well everything that is happening to me. I feel like I need to be making fun mermories instead of just “work” memories. 

Anyone have any ideas on what to do to add a little life into the rest of my summer? 

Your busy midwestern girl, 

Faith 

“Friends” on Social Media

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Within the last month, I have found myself completely unfriending and unfollowing “friends” social media accounts.

By “friends” I mean people who go to my school, live in my town or even people I’ve seen walking down the street. They really aren’t friends but I find myself becoming interested in their life choices, or really what they choose to post on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.

Like I said I’ve started to unfollow people I don’t really care for. By doing this I feel like I am getting away from the negativity, uncontrollable nosiness, and leaving behind people I generally don’t have any interest in. I think it will make me happier, but if it really upsets you here is your answer:

To those who I have unfollowed,

Maybe it was because I don’t like you, but that is okay.  If it really bothers you, I am sorry. I hope one day you can get over it.

Maybe it was because I don’t like what you post. It could be about your opinions, it could be that what you post is always negative. If it makes me upset to see what you constantly post then why should I follow you?

Maybe it is because we aren’t friends. We may just be acquaintances, but that is okay by me. If I really want to get to know you I would take the time out of my day, and not just scroll through your feed of pictures.

There are probably better reasons out there, but I just want to go forward with people I love and with lots of happiness. So please excuse me if I no longer want to be your “Facebook friend”. You keep doing you and I will keep doing me.

 

What I Hope To Learn This Summer 

img_0544I just graduated high school, and before I head off on my own I want to learn somethings about myself and the world.  Here’s a list of what I hope to learn:

  1. How to love myself. 

Don’t get me wrong. I do love myself. I just want to be more appreciative myself and everything I offer.

2.  Live in the moment. 

I only have a few months before I leave my family, friends and my “normal” life of the last 18 years. I want to cherish everything I do with my best friend, my boyfriend, my brother and sisters because there’s the chance I am going to be missing a lot.

3. Become more open to different opinions. 

College is where you meet new people and that means a lot of new opinions. In the world we live in today, everyone has an opinion on everything. I have to remember that just because my opinion isn’t the same as some else’s does not mean that my opinion is wrong, or their’s is any less important. I must have an open mind and be willing to listen rather than answer or defend.

4. Be my own best friend. 

I am going to be leaving everyone I love. My best friend and I are going to different colleges.  My boyfriend is doing his own thing. My parents are letting me go. While I know that they will still be with me in spirit, and only a text message or a phone call away it is going to be different. (Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t me saying I’m not gonna make new friends, it will just be another new experience.) I want to be able to comfort myself and be my own best friend when it’s needed.

5. Learn to let go and be more forgiving. 

I am the worst at letting things go. I hold onto grudges for an incredibly long amount of time. I still don’t like people who have wronged me or my friends. I can forgive people, but even that takes a while, but letting go is a whole different thing to me. It’s gonna be a lot more difficult.  I want to be a better person, a more forgiving person. I already know this isn’t gonna be easy for me, but I am up for anything.

6. What makes me happy.

More or less I want to discover more things about myself. It’s as simple as that.

7. It’s okay to be alone. 

Alone time is great, but I prefer to “be alone, together” type of person. I think it is important for me to learn and appreciate being alone. Being by myself for whatever reason.

Overall I want to know who I am, and better my personal values. Become a better person, and be more welcoming.

Thanks for reading.