Looks

I am in a mood. I just feel like crying a lot, but never do. The way I feel is sad, not good enough, disfigured, negative. I hate myself for even writing about this, it is stupid. I am talking about looks. How I look, how I feel about my looks. I am not vain or fishing for compliments, I just need this off my chest.

I think everyone should be happy with themselves, and if you love yourself then no one else should be able to hurt you. It’s a lot harder to follow your own advice, and even harder when you the other person. I am constantly comparing myself to others, always. My friends, people on social media, people I see around town. Basically anyone and everyone. I have never consider this a serious problem nor have, I ever been diagnosed with a mental disease.  But I do not like myself, and that can’t be good.

I have an entire list of things that I would change about myself. and on the other side a “list” of things I like about myself. That “list” of things I like about myself is probably a measly one or two things. It would just be nice if I could just change everything else. I’m the ugly friend, the fat friend, the friend people pity. Fortunately those are self-given titles because I couldn’t actually tell you if my past or current friends would give me those titles. I’m glad I haven’t/didn’t ask because,

1. They wouldn’t be very good friends.

2. It might just hurt me too much to find out and I would rather just have my brain do the damage instead or someone else.

If I could have a magic lamp where a genie would pop out and grant me 3 wishes, I would ask for everything that I didn’t like to be changed. That might be superficial but it’s what I would do. I genuinely don’t have more than two things that I like about myself. Which honestly makes me so upset, because I want nothing more but to love myself for who I am. I can’t look at a mirror for too long and I don’t want to look at the scale, because I will always find something I don’t like.

I want to be a different person. I don’t want to be me.

I don’t feel any better, or any worse for sharing this even though I thought it would help. Please remember this isn’t a cry out for help, or someone fishing for compliments. My somber self has gotten the best of me.

Be back with a new post soon. Till next time,

Faith

 

 

 

What I’ve Learned Working in Retail

I have only worked in retail for about 4 months, but while I’ve been working I have learned quite a few things.

  1. People are really lazy – They will put things that are a whole foot away from them, across the store instead.
  2. They get upset when your store changes it’s policies – NO matter how many times you explain it to them they think that getting 5% off every purchase is a better deal then getting double rewards points (which keep in mind gets you really good coupons).
  3. It is really awkward when people don’t get approved for the in-store card – you don’t get the extra % off if you aren’t approved (at least not right away but that’s too long of an explanation).
  4. Some people really care about every last cent. You bet they are gonna question why one shirt is $1.99 and the other is $2.00.
  5. Cleaning up after the day is honestly the worst, because you see just how little respect people have for your job.
  6. Back to school is the worst – there is so much new inventory and so little space to put it. With that also comes all the people who get to the register and then return all of it because it’s “too expensive”.
  7. Counting down the drawers is actually so nerve wrecking, I worry even if I am a cent off even though it could’ve been a simple mistake taken throughout the day.

Anyway if any one else can relate to this kind of stuff let me know down below! Or if there are things you have learned working in your job.

Til next time (hopefully sooner than later),

Faith

Busy, Busy, Busy

I’ve got some down time for once, so here are my thoughts. Thanks for reading! 

I’ve already been out of school for over a month, but summer literally just started (I mean the summer solstice).  It’s so crazy to me that time has flown by, and. I feel like I’ve wasted it. 

Which I mean that’s probably not true, I’ve done a few fun things. For the most part though I’ve been working my butt off. I work at a children’s clothing store, and I just got offered a manager position (which is crazy ’cause I only started in March). I’ve been training, learning and busting my butt. 

Unfortunately because it’s summer time and my job is in retail, I end up working weird hours. Some days I open, others I close, sometimes I work smack dab middle of the day. Because of that I feel like I see no one. My parents work 9 to 5 jobs, so it’s really tricky to see them. Then there’s my boyfriend and best friend who also have jobs, and also work weird hours. My boyfriend works WAY more then I do, so anytime he’s available I jump at the chance to see him.  My best friend has basically completely opposite hours of each other (or at least it seems that way. We are push on not seeing each other for a week and it feels much longer). 

It’s just so crazy that the world is passing by and well everything that is happening to me. I feel like I need to be making fun mermories instead of just “work” memories. 

Anyone have any ideas on what to do to add a little life into the rest of my summer? 

Your busy midwestern girl, 

Faith 

“Relationship Goals”

I have been with the same boy for the last 3 years. Which might be crazy to hear considering I am only 18. (That isn’t the point though).

When we first started dating,  which was our freshman year of high school. I was completely clueless, which I mean most people are when it comes to their first serious relationship. The internet filled my head with images and ideas of what my relationships should be like. The cute text messages, the cuddly pictures, you’re significant other constantly talking about you, and so many other things that truthfully are just not necessary.

At first, I thought that I needed that to be happy. I wanted my boyfriend to constantly text me, surprise me with gifts, and only spend time with me. Basically, I thought the relationship was ONLY supposed to be about me and my feelings. Those things I found on the internet filled my head with bullshit. I didn’t know what I was doing so I guess I figured the internet could show me how.  Now I’m not saying that those things should or shouldn’t happen in your relationship, I am saying that these “goals” are mediocre.  They are not actual goals, just things that happen (or don’t happen)  naturally, and they come with time.

My point is that as I grew in this relationship I learn more and more about my boyfriend. And those “stereotypical” goals came and went and we moved on to bigger more important things. We learned how to communicate and be happy with just each other, and I didn’t need the internet’s help anymore.

What I hope you take from this is that seeing someone else’s relationship shouldn’t make you feel any different about your own. Seeing “goals” from other couples doesn’t mean those should be your only goals. Figure out what works for you and your significant other.

Till next time,

Faith

 

 

I’m the “Mom” friend 

There are the people who like to party, and drink and do crazy outrageous things that could possibly kill you. Those are my friends.  Then there are the people who are introverted, care a little too much, have to supervise and be the protector. That’s me.

I am the “Mom” friend. I always make sure there is enough food. I always make sure that no ones too drunk. If that happens to be the case I make sure someone can take them home safely. I make sure everyone’s having a good time, and that we aren’t disrupting neighbors. I alway make sure people don’t go to wild with putting gasoline on the fire or do something else that could possibly injure themselves in the process. I make it my job to protect everyone. I am always the responsible one.

Now I understand that what I’m about to say is just me complaining. I put the responsibility on myself, and I get that. But hear me out.

I am the party pooper. Well at least I feel that way, my friends always want to have a bonfire and drink while I would much rather just sit at home with two people and watch Netflix. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t mind having bonfires or hanging out with friends.  They always say, “it’s up to you” “I’m not making the decision” “well I don’t want to upset Faith”.

I know they don’t mean anything by saying those things, but it kinda hurts. They don’t want to upset me, which I’m grateful for, but do they honestly expect me to say no? I don’t want to ruin their whole night, I want them to have their fun and get home safe even if that means I am completely miserable 99% of the time.

I love my friends dearly and spending time with them is great, but I am sick of being the responsible one. I just want them to not be completely stupid without having to be supervised. I say that because we all go to different places in the fall, and I can’t just be there. (Yes, it is amazing but I do know that I can’t be there to watch them. )  I don’t want to worry about my friends being complete morons.

When I first had the idea to write this I wasn’t going to complain. I was just gonna talk about what it’s like to be the overbearing friend. Unfortunately, it took a very negative turn. I love caring for my friends and being there in any time of need but being the mom friend sucks. I love myself for who I am, but it would be cool if I didn’t have to be this way all the time.

I love caring for my friends and being there in any time of need. I think because of the person that I am, it makes it harder for me to have fun. I do love myself for who I am, and I do not blame my friends for that. I just wish that they wouldn’t give me so much to worry about.

Disclaimer: I understand that what I mention is illegal but please understand that we aren’t the types of kids to throw house parties or do something as outrageous in the movies. Remember at one point you were a teenager and you probably some pretty stupid and illegal things yourself.

 

How Loss Affected Me

Last week, on the 2nd to be specific it was the 7 year anniversary of my grandpa’s passing. I honestly forgot. Which makes me feel like an awful granddaughter, but that is probably due to the fact it is something I don’t want to think about. Since last Friday I have thought about him a lot, and I feel like writing about it would help me. So please read this while thinking about someone you’ve lost. Remember how much they meant to you and your favorite things about them. But also think about what you gained, though you might not think about you gained something from your loss.

From what I remember he always, ALWAYS smelt of beer and cigars. And not the expensive ones, the thin flavored ones you would buy at the convenient store. He was full of farm stories, which I could sit and listen to for hours. The most memorable one was when he helped birth two twin caves, one of which who did not make it. (Wow such a midwestern story huh?) Maybe not the most amusing story for a child, but it was interesting enough.

I remember him being jolly, like Santa Clause, and giving the best hugs; they were my favorite. If he was still here I would tell him all about high school and tell him my own stories, maybe stretch the details to make them more interesting. We would probably sit and talk in that old white garage for hours. When it was time to go I would take one last hug, and go home smelling of cigar smoke.

I had lost a lot of people before him, but none of them had been this unexpected or this painful. Losing him was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I know that’s not much coming from an 18-year-old.  I cried for a few weeks, nothing about going to my grandparent’s house was normal for months, or maybe even a whole year after. He passed away in the living room, in his chair. I couldn’t be in the room alone, I couldn’t sit in the chair.  It hurt me to see my mom, my grandmother, my family like this, there was nothing I could do. There was nothing anyone could do. But losing him gave me strength. If I can get through that, I can get through anything. So Grandpa, thank for showing me what it is like to be so hard-working, jolly and caring. You are my favorite person and I wish you could see me now, I have a feeling you would be immensely proud.

As I said earlier we gain from our losses. By losing him I gained strength. If I can get through that, I can get through anything. I can get through a day at work, I can get through this final paper, I can get through this rough time. I can do it because everything has to be easier than losing someone you love so much.

To my Grandpa, thank for showing me what it is like to be so hard-working, jolly and caring. You are my favorite person and I wish you could see me now, I have a feeling you would be immensely proud. I love you always.

 

 

I don’t Identify as Anything

635898789906799266802044104_politicsI’m talking politics. No, I am not getting into specifics. I will not be sharing my personal views in detail. 

I think in today’s society, especially in America it is very hard to find someone who doesn’t have a very straight opinion, whether that be conservative or liberal. People like what they like, and choose to believe what they believe and that is okay, but I don’t know yet. Which I think is a rarity.

I don’t claim to be a republican or a democrat. I don’t claim to be liberal or conservative. I agree and see the arguments of both parties and I (try to) understand where they are coming from. I like facts, and I like the evidence of it all. I want it all laid out in front of me. I don’t want to just choose someone because the claim to be one party or the other.

I think it is a true blessing to be so….in the middle? I can talk and agree with anyone, or at least understand where they are coming from. And maybe as I grow older and gain more knowledge of the world that will change, but for now I am happy to not identify as anything.

 

Picture: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjJ_OTU6KfUAhXB8YMKHRj_DlcQjRwIBw&url=https%3A%2F%2Ftwitter.com%2Felection_debate&psig=AFQjCNGGjEs9IrvQOhtsQxjKz16IT5be2g&ust=1496790276839113