​January Recap

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Processed with VSCO with hb2 preset

January has almost come to end and what a month it has been to bring in the new year. A lot has already happened, and I am just gonne be honest, most of it isn’t good. Let me just share and explain and you will easily understand.

The month started rough, my dad and my stepmom are getting divorced. To me, it was unexpected and disappointing. I won’t go into too much detail about what actually happened between my parents, but I will say that I never expected divorce to come from it. Especially because they have only been together for about 6 years, and in my opinion, that is just too soon for a divorce. While I clearly remember what the divorce between my mom and dad was like, two of my sisters were too young to, and they took it incredibly hard. My half siblings are too young to understand what is going on, which I don’t know if that will be good for them or not, I am hoping it is for the better. It has been incredibly difficult for me, which I wouldn’t have expected. I am away at college, I cannot be there for my dad or siblings

as much as I would like too. It is a lot to take in, and no matter the troubles I have with my stepmom – I never would have wanted this.

About a week later my boss – who I was incredibly close too got fired for something that was not in her control. Without her their it left 3 college kids in charge, all who were in school. I felt like a huge responsibility was put on my shoulders – I am only 19 and a full-time student. All I want is a job that I can manage with school, and while I had a few weeks to figure things out it seemed impossible. Yet I had no idea what else was coming my way – they got rid of the assistant manager position in our district of the company (literally like a week and a half later). Well, I have heard that it was a long time coming, nothing could have been worse for our store. I am basically bossless and I have too much to handle while I am in school. I have contemplated quitting but I can’t afford to just not have a job, and trying to find other jobs with small shifts seems impossible.

I am currently writing this from my dorm room – school started again. As you can see I am seriously overwhelmed. I simply do not want to be here, I have very little keeping me here and with all the stress in my life right now, I would like to move on with my life. Unfortunately, that is all a lot easier said than done.

Overall this month has kinda been a shit show. There really is no other way to put it. I was trying to do yoga for a month straight, I have completely failed that.

I did do a few new fun things.  By far the best thing has been thrifting, I find it quite stress relieving and relaxing. I found some good things, but I have also realized I have too many clothes, almost nothing fits in my dorm anymore. So I am trying to limit myself, but I think that just may be easier said than done.

Anyway… That has been my month in review. I pray that February is much better.

Also, I think I will continue to do these little “recaps” not only for content and sharing but so that next year I can look back and reminisce.

Til next time,

Faith

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My Sunflower Tattoo

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When I first got my tattoo or even before I got it I really just wanted something  that was pretty and something I liked. Sunflowers just so happen to be my favorite flower and that was good enough for me.  I knew that a sunflower reminded me of the sun for the obvious reason and that it made me feel happy.  To many a sunflower can mean loyalty, which is something I have a great deal of for my family.  My family is the most important thing to me, they come before anything else. It’s the honest reason I chose a school that was only 20 minutes away from home. To know that my support system was only a hop, skip, and jump away. I can still attend family events without it being a hassle to find a way home.

A sunflower can also symbolize adoration, which is something that describes my feeling for my siblings. They are my favorite people to be around, even though the can annoy the crap at me at times. I happen to be  the oldest of 6 which has caused me to become the mother hen, or “mom friend” to a lot of other people in my life. I worry about their safety, and hope they aren’t doing anything to insanely stupid. But I am also the person that people come to when they need support, or just a friend to talk to. Even if we aren’t friends, I am all ears and want to help everyone, it’s the older sister in me.

My tattoo also reminds me of how much determination I have.  The tattoo artist said to me, “It’s not about your pain tolerance it’s about how determined you are to finish it”.  Once I have set my mind on something, I will succeed no matter what it takes and I will complete that goal. This can be shown with many other objects in my life, like the Macbook I insisted I needed for college, but my parents thought otherwise. It took months of convincing, conversations that lead to nowhere and even arguing to make them believe  that my decision was what I wanted and was the correct decision for me. But in the end my determination bought that macbook, and it made me sit through the annoying pain of my tattoo.

My tattoo at first was just an object that was permanently on my body  but has become a constant reminder of my how much my family means to me, and my caring personality and my determined mindset that helps me pursue my goals.

 


 

This was my first ever college speech, and because it is kinda interesting and more so up lifting I thought I would share it! I was a wreck before I had this speech but it went way better than I thought. I actually scored a 90% on it, which exceeded my expectations. I hope you enjoy it, I put a lot of thought and effort into this on.

Til next time,

Faith

Looks

I am in a mood. I just feel like crying a lot, but never do. The way I feel is sad, not good enough, disfigured, negative. I hate myself for even writing about this, it is stupid. I am talking about looks. How I look, how I feel about my looks. I am not vain or fishing for compliments, I just need this off my chest.

I think everyone should be happy with themselves, and if you love yourself then no one else should be able to hurt you. It’s a lot harder to follow your own advice, and even harder when you the other person. I am constantly comparing myself to others, always. My friends, people on social media, people I see around town. Basically anyone and everyone. I have never consider this a serious problem nor have, I ever been diagnosed with a mental disease.  But I do not like myself, and that can’t be good.

I have an entire list of things that I would change about myself. and on the other side a “list” of things I like about myself. That “list” of things I like about myself is probably a measly one or two things. It would just be nice if I could just change everything else. I’m the ugly friend, the fat friend, the friend people pity. Fortunately those are self-given titles because I couldn’t actually tell you if my past or current friends would give me those titles. I’m glad I haven’t/didn’t ask because,

1. They wouldn’t be very good friends.

2. It might just hurt me too much to find out and I would rather just have my brain do the damage instead or someone else.

If I could have a magic lamp where a genie would pop out and grant me 3 wishes, I would ask for everything that I didn’t like to be changed. That might be superficial but it’s what I would do. I genuinely don’t have more than two things that I like about myself. Which honestly makes me so upset, because I want nothing more but to love myself for who I am. I can’t look at a mirror for too long and I don’t want to look at the scale, because I will always find something I don’t like.

I want to be a different person. I don’t want to be me.

I don’t feel any better, or any worse for sharing this even though I thought it would help. Please remember this isn’t a cry out for help, or someone fishing for compliments. My somber self has gotten the best of me.

Be back with a new post soon. Till next time,

Faith

 

 

 

Negativity has gotten the best of me. 

A question I frequently ask myself is “why am I always so angry?”

Well don’t get me wrong, I am not always angry. I just feel like such a negative person. I complain a lot, and I do very negative things that I would tell others not to, and to be the bigger person. 

For example,  I can be extremely hypocritical, I will yell at my boyfriend for saying something completely rude and do something similar in the next 30 minutes. To be even more honest with you, there are 100 other examples. I tell myself that it’s not fair, and I wish I wasn’t that way, I don’t like being that way. But I guess it’s important that I know it’s wrong. 

Other times, for some awful reason, I really like to start arguments. Believe me it is not my proudest ability. I don’t know whether it’s the attention or the feeling of “winning” but I like to argue. It usually starts out as me wanting to talk about a problem or my opinion, but ends up with me screaming or something else that is completely idiotic. 

I feel like this makes me sound like a completely awful person, I think it is important that I acknowledge things about myself. That I know how have an area to work on in my communication skills and that as I grow and learn things will become easier. 

Does anyone else feel disappointed in themselves for not necessarily being the person they tell others to be? 

Till next time. All the love, 

Faith  

A Little Step Into College Life

Hey everyone!

I know it has been a while since I last posted but I couldn’t come up with anything good. Instead I am just gonna give a little update or look into my life.

Yesterday I got to go to my college and plan my schedule for next year, but before I got to do that I got to sit through about 4 hours of presentations that were just the same thing over and over again (it made the whole day drag on and I was so ready for it to be over).

My selected major is Nursing, which is something I am very passionate about. There is a downside though, my choice school has the 3rd best nursing school in the state which makes the process of getting into the Nursing school much harder. A lot of it is grades and taking certain courses (as it is for most degrees) but this is really a make it or break it thing because each semester the school only selects about 90 students (and trust me when I say there is a LOT of pre-nursing students in the Class of 2021 at my University).

Thankfully for me though I am very confident, and 100% believe that I can study hard enough and get fantastic grades to become a part of the Nursing school. What made it even better is that I am already ahead of schedule for pre-nursing students. This is because I already have 1 of my 6 science classes finished (which is super exciting!!!). And kinda unexpected, my advisor seemed really impressed and was very excited to see me ahead of the game.

Anyway getting to pick my schedule just made me think about how excited and passionate I am about getting this education and creating a new life for myself.

Til next time,

Faith

What I Hope To Learn This Summer 

img_0544I just graduated high school, and before I head off on my own I want to learn somethings about myself and the world.  Here’s a list of what I hope to learn:

  1. How to love myself. 

Don’t get me wrong. I do love myself. I just want to be more appreciative myself and everything I offer.

2.  Live in the moment. 

I only have a few months before I leave my family, friends and my “normal” life of the last 18 years. I want to cherish everything I do with my best friend, my boyfriend, my brother and sisters because there’s the chance I am going to be missing a lot.

3. Become more open to different opinions. 

College is where you meet new people and that means a lot of new opinions. In the world we live in today, everyone has an opinion on everything. I have to remember that just because my opinion isn’t the same as some else’s does not mean that my opinion is wrong, or their’s is any less important. I must have an open mind and be willing to listen rather than answer or defend.

4. Be my own best friend. 

I am going to be leaving everyone I love. My best friend and I are going to different colleges.  My boyfriend is doing his own thing. My parents are letting me go. While I know that they will still be with me in spirit, and only a text message or a phone call away it is going to be different. (Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t me saying I’m not gonna make new friends, it will just be another new experience.) I want to be able to comfort myself and be my own best friend when it’s needed.

5. Learn to let go and be more forgiving. 

I am the worst at letting things go. I hold onto grudges for an incredibly long amount of time. I still don’t like people who have wronged me or my friends. I can forgive people, but even that takes a while, but letting go is a whole different thing to me. It’s gonna be a lot more difficult.  I want to be a better person, a more forgiving person. I already know this isn’t gonna be easy for me, but I am up for anything.

6. What makes me happy.

More or less I want to discover more things about myself. It’s as simple as that.

7. It’s okay to be alone. 

Alone time is great, but I prefer to “be alone, together” type of person. I think it is important for me to learn and appreciate being alone. Being by myself for whatever reason.

Overall I want to know who I am, and better my personal values. Become a better person, and be more welcoming.

Thanks for reading.

 

Introducing Me

Who am I?

As you guessed by the title of my blog My Life As Faith my name is Faith. I live in the Midwest in the land of cheeseheads and I am getting ready to start my journey into the real world. By the “real world” I mean college.  This is the summer of trying new things I am trying to be healthier by eating better and exercising daily (which is a lot easier said than done). So figured I would try blogging as well, so I mean why not?

I enjoy being outside and doing new things, but more than likely you can find me sitting in bed watching Netflix. I love my family and don’t know what I would do without them. They truly are everything to me. This also includes my boyfriend and best friend but I can tell you more about them later.  I enjoy watching conspiracy theory videos and family vloggers on Youtube. Lifestyle bloggers are probably some of my favorites because I think, “hey maybe I can take some tips from them and get my life together” but that really doesn’t work. I think they truly make blogging an art because their lives and opinions just seem so interesting.

I hope someone out here finds me as interesting as I find other lifestyle bloggers.